There was this time, I guess I was about 4 or 5 years old, where my grandparents invited a friend for dinner and I couldn´t eat although I was almost starving (well – it felt like 😉 ) – so, after dinner, I sat in the kitchen on my own and I was finally able to eat.
This habbit ran like a common thread through my life and became a big problem, because it was also a struggle for me to eat something in front of my boyfriends at that time or someone I liked, I couldn´t go out for breakfasts with the family or friends, brunch including a buffet was impossible for me to handle and at some point of time even grocery shopping started being uncomfortable.
Although I was being hungry like hell and my tummy was noticeable rumbling, I just picked something small to eat ( maybe a small salad or just a banana at the supermarket ) when I saw that I was not the only one eating or shopping there.
At a certain point I started not just feeling hungry but also being frustrated, because I was so disappointed, mad and angry at myself for not being able to think „FUCK OFF!!! I´m gonna eat a pizza and a chocolate brownie whenever I WANT TO!“
I felt like everyone was watching me while I was eating, while I put food on my plate at the buffet, while I ordered my meal at a fast food restaurant or while I just put my grocery on the cash desk.
Being creative I also started creating some cover-stories every time I ordered something at a fast food restaurant – I acted like my friend/collegue or anyone else gave me their order too, so I took a piece of paper and wrote down my order, I went to the counter and read it to the cashier – sometimes I added an „oh .. I dont know, just make it a coke, because I´m not sure what he wants to drink“ just to sound convincing…
Each time I finished my little „play“ and came home to eat, I felt more and more like a fool. Like an idiot who´s not even able to order food! I was just to scared what people might think of me when they see me eating or buying my grocery. Those people, which I either barely knew or most of the time not at all, stuck in my head, it kept me from something essential and from something everyone just should enjoy!
During a therapy in 2011 I learned to deal with this topic the hard way : like a shock-therapy I was being forced to go out – to buy something to eat (like a burger or a pretzel) and not just eat it in front of people but additionally to make eye-contact while eating my food! the worst thing I could imagine!
But nothing happened! No one cared about what I ate, how I ate it and what I was doing there! It really was a big relief – like something heavy was taken off my shoulders and something delicious was put into my tummy 😉
What I mainly learned from this whole eating-trip was, that you should not care about what other people might say or think!!
You should not forbid yourself to enjoy something ( as long as it doesn´t hurt anyone ), to wear something you find pretty, to look like you want to look or to eat what you want to eat, as long as you treat yourself and your body with respect and health!
Other peoples opinions ´mean nothing because they are not living your life, they don´t know what you´ve been through and where you want to go.
STAY POSITIVE – at least try your best <3